then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
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