Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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