I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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