There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
