what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize