i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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