I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
