I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
