I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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