we're chasing vodka with high fives
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
