I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
