After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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