i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
