So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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