my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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