The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
