Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
