How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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