he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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