Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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