Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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