When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
