You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
zippers are such a cool invention
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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