he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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