I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
