i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
