fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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