Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
