ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
