just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
