If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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