Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize