Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
