ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
