she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
