If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
someone owes me an orgasm
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
