I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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