The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
