Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
