Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Randomize
