I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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