I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
