My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
