If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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