She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
