I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
