I am in a vortex of obligation.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
