I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
