i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I want a musical about memes.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
