Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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