i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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