I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
