My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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