How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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