the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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