third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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