it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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