Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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