i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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