Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
