you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
