Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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