69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
