remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Are we still banned from the library?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
