Where did you get a picture of my penis
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize