Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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